Why the The Holidays are a Time of Complexity and Emotion for Foster Youth

The holidays can be a difficult and overwhelming time for foster youth. For many, the season is filled with mixed emotions, as they navigate being away from their families for the first time or trying to adjust to new family dynamics. It’s a time that should be filled with joy, connection, and warmth, but for foster youth, it can often feel like a stark reminder of what they’ve lost.

I’ll never forget my first holiday season after entering DCF custody. I had been placed in a high-security residential program, and it felt like the world around me had shifted. I had just entered the system and was struggling to come to terms with being away from my family. The holidays made it all the more difficult, as they only emphasized the fact that I was separated from everything familiar to me.

I remember the sadness and anxiety I felt, knowing I wouldn’t be with my family for the first time. My parents sent a bunch of gifts to the residential program, and while that might sound like a kind gesture, it was awkward and uncomfortable for me. I had more gifts than most of the other kids in the program, which made me feel embarrassed. I could see how much it hurt the others who didn’t have the same experience. And deep down, I felt a rush of anger and frustration. The gifts were nice, but what I really wanted wasn’t presents, it was to be with my family. It was a longing I couldn’t shake.

However, there is one moment from that first holiday that I hold dear. One of the staff members at the facility saw how difficult that time was for me and another friend I had made there. She allowed us to stay up late to bake and decorate cookies with her. It might seem like a small gesture, but for me, it felt like a piece of normalcy, a brief moment where I could pretend things were as they once were, celebrating the holidays with family. It was a memory I cherished, as it gave me a taste of the connection and comfort I had longed for.

As I moved through the system and spent the next few years in different placements, the holidays never got easier. There was always anxiety, never knowing what the holiday season would look like or where I would be. Would I be in a residential program again? Would I be with a new foster family or in respite? With each new placement came a new set of traditions, and it was hard to find my place in them. The holidays were filled with sadness, especially when I thought about the traditions I used to have, those things I had lost after entering the system. I missed being with my friends and family, and I missed the sense of stability and routine that came with those traditions.

Though my foster families did their best to make the holidays special, there was always a deep ache. Sometimes, DCF partners helped make sure my wish lists were fulfilled, and I’d receive gifts that brought small moments of joy. But no matter how kind my foster families were, nothing could fully fill the void of being away from my family during such a significant time. The holidays only seemed to magnify the emptiness I felt.

This emotional complexity is something that’s often overlooked when it comes to foster youth, and it’s crucial that foster care providers, DCF/FSD staff, and community partners understand just how challenging the holiday season can be. It’s easy to assume that, because the holidays can bring gifts and good intentions, the foster youth must feel okay. But the reality is much more complicated. One of the biggest challenges is feeling like an outsider in a new family. It’s essential to include foster youth in holiday traditions, like decorating, cooking, or gift exchanges, to help them feel like they belong. At the same time, it’s important to give them space to process their emotions. If they feel sad or angry, that’s okay. Providing a safe space for them to sit with these feelings without pressure to "just enjoy the holidays" can help them feel understood.

Foster youth may also experience grief, especially if it’s their first holiday away from their biological families. Acknowledging their losses and validating their emotions is key. Simple acts like incorporating traditions from their past or taking time to listen to their feelings can make a big difference. It’s also helpful to maintain some stability during the holidays. While everything else may feel unfamiliar, keeping routines as consistent as possible can provide a sense of security.

Each foster youth is unique, so it’s important to be flexible. Some may want to dive into every holiday activity, while others might prefer some quiet time. Being responsive to their needs and offering support in a way that feels comfortable to them can help ease the emotional strain. Ultimately, the holidays are about connection and belonging, which can be difficult for foster youth to find. By being mindful of their emotions and providing a caring, supportive environment, we can help make the holiday season a little easier for them.